


Hi, I'm Olaf, and I like warm...

by fabsatan



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, M/M, Other, Sirius Black as Padfoot, Wranglers Are Not Adult Supervision, and sirius does it as a dog at one point, idk what to say here they fuck the snowman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:40:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28870182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fabsatan/pseuds/fabsatan
Summary: In which Sirius brings a horny snowman to life, then convinces his boyfriend to have a threesome with it.No, I don't know why I wrote this either.
Relationships: wolafstar - Relationship
Comments: 7
Kudos: 16





	Hi, I'm Olaf, and I like warm...

**Author's Note:**

> this was all inspired by a typo of wolfstar, which my friends and i proceeded to take way too far, blame emma, who started writing their own wolafstar fic before i did, for inspiring me to do this, and everyone else who kept giving us worse and worse ideas to add

It’s a beautiful winter’s day in Hogwarts, and Sirius is a horrible boyfriend. He’s out on the grounds with Remus, and he’s just finished building a snowman. He grabs the carrot he nicked from the kitchens for this purpose, and sticks it on, completing his creation. Remus buries his head in his hands and groans.

Sirius moves one of the snowman’s little twig arms so its “hand” is on the carrot, and moves the other arm in a cheery wave, putting on a silly voice: “Hi, I’m Olaf, and I like warm cum!” 

“Why are you like this.” said Remus, voice flat, wondering why he’s dating someone who gives snowmen carrot dicks.

“You know, I bet I could bring this to life, didn’t we learn a spell for that last week?”

“Sirius…” Remus halfheartedly protests, knowing it’ll fall on deaf ears. Sure enough, Sirius immediately pulls out his wand and recites the incantation.

“Hi! I’m Olaf, and I like warm cum!” a high-pitched voice comes out of the snowman, who looks more solid somehow, and starts moving in a way that kind of creeps Remus out, even though he’s reluctantly impressed at how well the spell worked.

The snowman turns to Sirius. “Can you give me warm cum?”

Sirius laughs. “Uh… No, sorry, mate” he turns back to Remus. “Can you believe I’ve made a horny snowman?”

Said snowman is now walking toward Sirius, the tip of its carrot dick tracing a thin trail along the snow. Remus gestures to that, the look on his face speaking volumes. Sirius laughs delightedly at it, until the snowman reaches him, running its twig hands up his thighs. “Please cum in me” it asks again, rubbing its hands on Sirius’ crotch.

“Oh, wow, it’s… persistent. Remus, how do I make it stop?” he shoots his boyfriend a pleading look, but the smile tugging at the corner of Remus’ lips tells him all he needs to know about his odds of getting help from him.

“Don’t you remember the counterspell from class?”

Sirius swears inwardly, as the snowman starts to unbutton his jeans. “I... may have stopped paying attention around that part.”

“Oh. Well, me too, actually. Sorry, can’t help you.”

Sirius flips him the bird, stepping away from the snowman, but he trips and falls on his back. The snowman is undeterred by this, the new angle making it easier for it to slide Sirius’ zipper open. “Don’t you want to fuck me?” it looks up at Sirius with strangely alive eyes.

“You’re a pile of snow and twigs!” he protests.

“I’m Olaf, and I-”

“Like warm cum, yeah, yeah I got it. But I’m just… Not interested.” Olaf steps back, dejectedly, and as he stands up, Sirius actually feels kind of bad for it.

“Hey, it’s not his fault you made him like this.” Remus pipes up from where he’s been leaning against a tree, watching this happen.

Olaf perks up. “Will you-”

“No way.” Remus cuts him off. “He made you, he’s the one responsible for your needs.”

“I… guess I could come on it, if that’ll help.” Mortifyingly, Sirius is starting to get a bit turned on by the idea. He and Remus haven’t managed to find any alone time to shag this week, and there’s just something about the idea of fucking some...thing you’re probably not supposed to fuck, out in the grounds where anyone could walk by, that’s getting to him.

“You’re not serious.” was Remus’ shocked reply.

“I’m always Sirius.” he replies, which prompts an eyeroll. “You’re the one who said I should, anyway.” Remus thunks his head against the tree trunk, regretting every life choice that led to this moment.

Sirius pulls his dick out of his underwear and spits on his hand to start stroking himself, when suddenly Olaf’s snowy mouth is around his penis. Sirius gasps in surprise, and Remus, looking back upon the scene, can’t help but laugh.

Sirius quickly starts gasping in pleasure, though, and Remus has to ask: “That can’t actually feel good, can it? I mean, your dick is covered in snow.”

“No, it’s… surprisingly nice, I- don’t get it either, but it’s…” he loses track of what he’s saying when Olaf pulls back, sucking only on his tip, and his knees almost buckle. He straightens, looking at Remus again. “You should try it!”

“No, thanks.”

“I can see your erection from here, Remus.” Snowman or no, the sight of his boyfriend getting blowed in front of him did things to Remus. And he cannot deny some level of curiosity about how snow sex can possibly feel good. Taking another moment to curse his life choices, he walks the short distance over to the other two. Sirius pushes Olaf off him and steps over to kiss Remus, unzipping his pants and shoving his hands down his pants in a practiced motion. After only a few strokes, he steps back and gestures for Olaf to take over. Sirius smirks when Remus immediately moans. Neither of them expected it, but somehow the icy wet feeling of snow on their hard-ons was just amazing. Maybe it was a side-effect of the magic that animated Olaf, maybe they both had an undiscovered ice kink, but this might just be the best shag of their lives. 

Sirius wants to join in again, but with Olaf’s mouth occupied, he’s not sure what to do. Maybe he could fuck his ass, but his short legs mean it’s so low on the ground he can’t think of a good position, until suddenly it hits him.

“Moony, can you lie back on the ground so that Olaf can bend over and still… you know.”

Remus gives him a mildly suspicious look but complies, Olaf readjusting himself accordingly. Sirius then shifts into his dog form, its shorter legs compensating for Olaf’s, and moves to mount him, which prompts Remus to whisper-shout: “Sirius! What if we get caught?” Sirius does his best to convey through his doggy expression: ‘What, cause having a threesome with your boyfriend and a living snowman is that much better than throwing a dog into the mix?’ He’s not sure how much of that gets across, but he thrusts into Olaf, the movement jostling him and carrying over to Remus, and he figures the moan he gets is forgiveness enough.

Sirius continues to thrust, knowing he never lasts long as Padfoot, and soon enough his knot forms and he’s coming all over Olaf’s snowy insides.

“Oh, wow, I think some of your cum just came out through his throat.” Remus says, conversationally, the novelty of it distracting him from his building orgasm.

Sirius can’t decide if that’s hot or gross, so he turns his attention instead to the motion of Olaf’s head going up and down Remus’ dick. 

Remus comes right around the time his knot deflates, so he pulls out and shifts back into his human form, both men doing up their jeans again.

“So that was actually pretty great, huh?” asks Sirius.

“Surprisingly, not your worst idea.” Remus pulls out his wand and quickly performs the counterspell, Olaf’s body falling to a pile of snow, unable to maintain structural integrity without magic.

“We could’ve at least said goodbye!”

Remus looks Sirius dead in the eyes. “I need you to listen to me very carefully.” Sirius nods. “You are absolutely forbidden from getting attached to your magic horny snowman.”


End file.
